we all have that one friend...

i love my friends dearly, as i'm sure you all do too...right?

*crickets*

ok, maybe it's just me.

however, as much as love my dear friends, there's always that one - you know, the one who's too...something, usually something associated with a nice side eye, like:

(by the way, mrs. obama has the best side-eye i've ever seen.)

so let's examine this. we all have that one friend who...

is too conceited.

i'm never one to question another's confidence. in fact, i think confidence is a determining factor in most people's personality - especially those without much of one to begin with. but we all have that one friend who thinks a little too highly of themselves. this is usually the friend who is '[first name] aBadBitch/HatersLoveMe [last name]' on facebook, or who SWEARS 'that dude/girl' (who you have yet to meet/see/hear their name) won't leave them alone. think an unattractive tyra banks.

(even sophia loren is on the side-eye game.)

did you nod your head in agreement? i did too. we all have that one friend who...

thinks they can sing...but can't.

let's face it, we all like to think we can sing. personally, my best vocals are in the shower - don't let "i will always love you" come on...but anyway, this isn't about me. i KNOW i can't sing. but there's always that one who is constantly singing (off-key), always in pursuit of a singing career (in vain), and did i mention always singing? but because you're a good friend, you sit there and listen...while your insides bleed slowly. 

ruffled any feathers yet? good. we all have that one friend who...

disappears when they get boo'd up.

this is the david blaine of your friends. you forget this muhfucka exists while they're in a relationship, but the second it's over, your phone is blowing up. your instinctive response is, "n****a/bitch, where's your boo?!" but that's not what a FRIEND does. damn...how wack is that, right? i bet that's what rihanna was like after chris.

ooh, i KNOW i burned someone with that one. we all have that one friend who...

doesn't know shit.

every time, and i mean every. single. time. you ask this friend something, their answer: "man, i don't even much know." what do you know?! you sure as hell know my number when you wanna know something from me! what's the deal? to quote a wise modern prophet, "read a book you illiterate son of a bitch!"

(the obamas clearly have the side-eye game on lock.)

you know i'm breaking bread. we all have that one friend who...

gives THE WORST advice.

we all know who it is, and what they say. this 'the single woman' on twitter, and you know all your basic friends RT this heaux. (side note: am i the only one who sees an issue with 'the single woman' giving relationship advice? i'll wait.) this is the bitter, single, fat chick giving all her girlfriends advice on what to do with her man, saying everything but the right thing. this is your boy who says "what's the worst that could happen," two days after he got out of jail. #nahson #imgood

(#shoutout to don cornelius!)

you're only laughing because you agree with me. we all have that one friend who...

keeps you with one eye open.

this is the friend who has one too many good things to say about your girl/man. always asking about her, doing stuff for her that ain't necessary, etc. yes, i know her birthday is 7 months from now. no, she doesn't like boy shorts.

*record screech*

damn that, this ain't your friend! but keep this muhfucka around, and at arm's length.

(angelina is teaching her well. so proud.)

you feel me knockin'? well let me in! we all have that one friend who...

is ALWAYS late.

this friend's clocks are all set 15 minutes ahead, but somehow is always 20 minutes late. it's so bad that you wonder how in the hell they still have a job, or how they haven't failed out of school yet. they're always on time for last call, though.

(this is a good side-eye...you can't even see his eyes.)

and finally, we all have that one friend who...

ain't really your friend.

whether it's the punk in you, or you're just a nice person (but i'm pretty sure it's because you're a punk), you just don't have the heart to tell this person that "ay, i don't really like you like that." you keep this friend around for one of 3 reasons: 1) they'll kill you and/or themselves, 2) you're using them (don't front, you know you do it), or 3) "blah, i don't really care."

you can now proceed to label your friends accordingly. you're welcome.